never mine
| <<-- : 10.10.03 : -->> |
9:03 a.m.so i told my mom i'm moving to san fran on december 1st. i've already told my dad, my brother, and most of my friends. i just haven't told my mom. i'm halfway to finding a job and a place, i just haven't been able to say anything to her.
i was talking to davemarr last night and i was telling him that i can imagine what she would say. she would go on about how i disappoint her and that i need to wake up and be responsible. he told me to look at her as a person, and not my mom. easier said than done.
i went up to tell her and all i could see was my mom. i can't thinking, not my mom, not my mom, not my mom -- moommy? and i told her, like a nervous kid telling his mother that he broke something in the kitchen. right away, she was disgusted with me. she told me to wake up. and that i was being stupid. she told me that she was so happy that all of us were together again, and now i'm going to screw this up.
i left and went straight to my room and into bed. after a little bit, she comes into my room and tells me that i better not come back with AIDS. she tells me about her uncle's friend or brother or something and starts to tell me how he has AIDS or something. i don't listen and tell her i won't. there's no sense in arguing how ridiculous that thought is. and how stereotypically predjudice she is. i've tried to tell her before, but she's never changed her ways. she then asks if i've saved up any money or where i'll stay. i tell her i'm still figuring things out or i'll stay with a friend. she leaves the room and tells me that i can't take the laptop or anything with me.
i guess i'm starting over. i'll have no computer, since my old one is just too bulky to lug around. it kind of makes me mad/sad because i have my life in that laptop. all my mp3's, my pictures, my video slideshow of the confused and this video clip i made of my friends when i had my housewarming party at my apartment. emails, writings, songs i've written. pictures, pictures, pictures. she had given me that laptop for my birthday. said it would be mine when i moved back home. i moved home. it should be mine now. but you know what? she bought it. it should be hers. i'll just have to clean it out of all my stuff. and then it'll just collect dust. no one will use it, except maybe for my brother occasionally. i'm the only one who makes real use out of anything electronic in that house.
but whatever. i'm moving. i'm going to be strong. and i will succeed. i will start over. clean. and fresh. i'll bring as little as possible up there. and from now on, everything i have will be mine. everything will be the product of my hard work. and fuck this emphasis on material possessions. i was brought up to care so much about my things. it's just dumb. i don't need things to make me happy. and i will show her. and maybe i'll keep disappointing her. but i won't be disappointing me. i will finally be happy. i just wish for once she'll be happy for me.
i care for her. and i love her. but i won't ever grow up until i leave.
i'm sorry mom. i love you. you want me to grow up and act like an adult. so i am. now i am. i'm doing this. you can keep your stuff. it was never mine to begin with.
this life was never mine to begin with. so now it will be.
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