the seinfeld syndrome
| <<-- : 04.24.03 : -->> |
9:17 a.m.i've just figured out why i've pulled away from every guy i thought was getting too close. before, i'd would always blame it on m and what i went through with him. thinking that, deep down inside, i was just waiting for him. and that i was obsessed with him. but i now i remember.
i remember why, even long before the days of m, why i've pulled away from every guy i ever been interested in. in the past, i've never really been the target of affection from anyone. i've never been sought after. i've always been the seeker, the pusher, the nagger. the guy who always tries real hard to get the guy to want to be with me. and it's never gone well.
my first real boyfriend, the first real guy to ever love me unconditionally and for who i was, was jesse, to this day. and ever since that love, i've always felt that i was wanted. even when i was with him. i felt more wanted than ever. by everyone.
one of the things about breaking up with jesse meant that i could start dating again. so, i would date guys. a lot. not fuck around, but just get numbers and get to know a few. it was this rush. the thrill of the chase. but when it would start to get good, i'd find a miniscule flaw and pull away. (i call it the seinfeld syndrome- it seems like the guys in seinfeld are always dating these girls with these weird flaws and would have to dump them because they were creeped out by it or something--funny shit) anyway, i'd let this "syndrome" get the better of me. and it was never really because of those flaws. i never really believed that it was the reason. i've always thought it was because of m.
but there was a time before m. where i would repeat this pattern. i'd make excuses like, "there's someone out there more compatible with me." or, "our tastes didn't click." first of all, i don't think i'll ever find anyone who's tastes are an exact match to mine. that would be nice, but that doesn't seem possible. i have so many different tastes and different things i like to do. i won't find anyone who would actually fully enjoy everything i'm into. that was my main excuse for awhile. before m. before jesse. during jesse, i was with jesse. so i lost that pattern for awhile. then, how did i get with jesse in the first place, you ask?
it was a fluke, a wonderful fluke, but it was an accident. we met. he was straight. and we would hang out all the time. we spent more time together in a matter of weeks than anyone i've ever met. i was constantly staying over at his apartment drinking with him all night long. we would jam on our guitars, he would play me his punk music. he'd tell me all about minneapolis. we would stay up til the sun rose. just us two. one night, drunk, he kissed me. the next day he told me that it didn't mean anything. because there was no way he could be with guys. i pushed a little, telling him that there was no way that it could have not meant something. we were best friends, and we kissed. we knew that we loved each other. we would continue to make out every now and then. and almost every night after that. until the day we decided that this indeed was love. we moved in to our own place, and the rest is history.
my point with that last paragraph, was that in that situation, i didn't even know what was happening before my eyes. so, i didn't get a chance to realize that i should be pulling away at one point. the flaws that i could've picked out didn't matter, because we were friends and my heart wasn't an issue. well, it was. because i had a mad crush on him and all the girls (and boys) who would hit on him made me jealous. but i knew we were close friends and i was secure enough in that sense to realize that it didn't matter because our relationship wasn't like that. so i didn't need any reason to pull away.
after jesse, it went downhill. i was back to my old tricks again. pulling away. for stupid reasons. for m. it wasn't because of him. it was because of me. the truth. i didn't want to know the truth. my brother always told me that i would always run away from my problems because i could never handle the truth. and he was right.
i wanted so desperately to believe that these guys sought after me. and i see them wanting me, and i would make the move. and i would believe that they would want to be with me, so i'd "play them." i never meant to do that. i'd start off with genuinely liking them, and i'd start of with wanting to be with them. but something else would come up. i'd get a little fleck of pain that reminded me of m. and i'd run away. i'd stop calling them. i'd stop answering the phone. and i'd pursue m again. it was this vicious cycle. and i thought it revolved around m. but it didn't.
i was trying to hide the truth. and the truth was that these guys never wanted to be with me. they never really liked me the way i thought they did. or they way i was starting to.
two guys from last year. two wonderful great guys that would've been good for me. both different in their own way. both at different times of the year. far apart and very special and dear to me. i let them go. because i wanted to be with m. and i felt bad. and i lived in regret. i thought they liked me and i screwed them over. for someone who didn't care about me.
i was jaded. they never really liked me. nothing even begun to come to that conclusion. like a fool, i went back to them to apologize and confess my feelings. to see if we could start up again. one of them, and then now the other. but the bridges were burned. it's too late. and they didn't know what i was talking about. nothing existed between us. i had this warped perception that i was wanted out there. that someone wanted me. i was wrong. that's the truth that i was hiding from. it got so bad i actually believed the lies i told myself so that i would be able to deal with rejection indirectly. avoiding it completely. only setting myself for a bigger fall later on.
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