selfish desires
| <<-- : 11.10.03 : -->> |
2:46 p.m.the desert was a 'no-go' this weekend. it was a "no, i didn't go."
this weekend, i stayed in. mostly. friday night to saturday morning, i spent about 17 hours watching Felicity's second season. i borrowed the dvd from carina. i thought it would be nice to just detach from everything and everyone and lock myself in my room. i think i went brain dead half-way through the season. i seriously felt my head go numb. it was strange.
i went out with missa. i got to hang out with her for a bit. it was fun. we drank a little and then we watched scary movie 3. i got to laugh. mission accomplished.
sunday, i went to the gym. my brother gave me an 8 day pass to bally's across the street from where i live. it was nice to sweat and work out again. i'm pretty sore today. i think i gave my chest a pretty good workout. it looks like i'll be going back there all week. i don't know if i'll get a membership. but it looks like it'll be cheaper to start over with bally's instead of upgrading my 24 hour membership in san fran. we'll see. i'll talk to my bally's rep later to find out.
davemarr sent me an email in response to a very bad email i had sent him. i freaked out about something. he set things straight for us.
i love him. i want to be with him. but i can't love him the way he loves. maybe in time i will. but for now, all i see is me. i can't break away from being selfish. all i can think of are my wants and desires. and they make me depressed. i need to stop thinking about me. i need to think of others. i need to think about what he wants. i need to think about what makes him happy. and it saddens me because all i can think of are how it may not be what i want.
he wants praise. he want's adoration. i've never been good with that. it's hard for me to give that. i try. i'm just not good at it. so it comes out wrong. or it doesn't come out at all.
davemarr is an amazing person. he's beautiful. he's smart. he knows how to deal with his emotions far better than i could.
i've never felt this way about a person since m. i can't believe i'm going through this again. going through these emotions. these fears. these feelings. now i realize what i've done wrong with m. i never thought about what made him happy. i've always thought about me. now i know. i need to evacuate the ego.
i strived to be like davemarr and m. i admire the both of them. they're both adored by many. and i've always wanted that. but see! it's not about what i want. if a relationship was ever to happen between either of them, then i'd have let go of those wants and desires and provide them with what they'd want. if it's not me. then i can't provide me. i had believed that all i had to give was me. and it's not about that. it was never about that. it's about giving affection and care. and i just have to realize that i may not be who they want for that.
i never told m how much of a great person he is. i never told him how much i admire him outside of what it had to do with me. everything i've told him, had this connection with me. maybe if i told him how much i adored him, just for being him. maybe things would have been different. but it's long past.
it's so simple, but it's so hard. i fucked things up. i can't go back. davemarr is happy with his life. and my selfish desires belong nowhere in our relationship; our friendship.
| <<-- : : -->> | top
cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07