stray
| <<-- : 10.24.03 : -->> |
3:05 p.m.so i wasn't really into the sex last night as i thought i would be. i guess the reason why it's so amazing is that i go in with no expectations. we just kind of go at it. (there's really no better way of putting it, "go at it" -- just says it all.)
this time, i guess i was looking for a fuck. there were periods of awkward silences. man. i had nothing to say. there just wasn't anything. i didn't even feel like talking about burning man or about this past summer. i hated to admit to myself, but i just wanted to get laid and go home.
we had a good time. the drive up was all touchy feely. a little more touchy than i had liked in the car, driving through long beach. it kind of made me uncomfortable. i kept wondering if people were looking. i kept telling myself to not care. but i couldn't help it. i didn't want people seeing us touching. we had stopped at a stop light, and he grabbed my head to kiss me as people started crossing the street. and i kissed him, but i held back and then pulled away. he noticed that i wasn't entire comfortable with this. it was the longest ride of my life.
and you know, it's not even the fact that we're gay and showing affection in front of people. fuck, more than half the long beach population is gay. i'm sure they'd love a good show. but i've always had a problem with public displays of affection. in high school, aisha was all about hugging and kissing in front of everyone. and there was me. holding back.
i've been pretty comfortable with being couply at clubs, or parties, or social gatherings with friends, or even in the movies. but when i'm around strangers, it's tough. why? why do i care so much about what strangers think? i'll probably never see any of these people again. i shouldn't be obsessed with upholding a certain image. it's ridiculous. i should be obsessed with upholding an image of openness. (openness, is that even a word? well it is now.)
are PDA's disrespectful? to what extent should i be concerned about respecting those around me? what would be inappropriate?
but, then again. all this was happening in the car. just because there might be a slight possibility that people can see and an even lesser possiblity that they actually are watching, is that still considered a PDA? am i paranoid? and what reasons should make me paranoid?
i need to relax. (without the aid of alcoholic substances. --which, btw, i hadn't any.) so maybe, i'm not game for the risque stuff in the car. but i'm okay with the low level stuff.
note to self: stop being SO fucking shy
we made it to his place. went straight to the sex. i almost came too soon. stopped myself. we went at it some more. it was pretty decent. it wasn't as great as i wanted it to be. but maybe the whole ride there and noticing that i couldn't connect with him as i thought we had just seemed to effect that night.
one thing i do love about this boy is that we could go on and on about tv. man. i could talk to him about anything about buffy or angel or star trek and the like. we watched the extras on the matrix:reloaded dvd. that was pretty cool. has anyone seen this phone? i want one.
so maybe i'm gonna chill on this sexcapade thing. it would be nice to hook up every now and then. but i'm not going to actively look for it. i can already see how damaging it will get. if i've learned one thing with my talk with mikey, it's that i want progression. if i'm going to become intimate with someone. i want to know we're going to have some sort of progression. some sort of friendship/relationship that will evolve into something. whether it be this kick ass friendship or into a love relationship. but honestly, i don't know how that works. or how i can catch what's going on. i guess i just need to communicate. not assume.
ugh. too much to think about. it really shouldn't be a focus right now. i'm always going to meet people. there will always be a new boy in my life. at some point or another. there will be someone who i can call my special someone. right now, that special someone is me. and i'm going to do the best i can to get back on that path i had set for myself, but strayed away from.
it's time i take action and enjoy the life i was meant to have. the life i will make for myself.
| <<-- : : -->> | top
cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07