a little past midnight
| <<-- : 01.09.03 : -->> |
12:04 a.m.it's past midnight, and i should really go to bed. these past three days have been really hard on me, since i don't go to sleep until late. i really don't want to get back into that habit of sleeping late, but sometimes i want to go out. or sometimes i want just want to do nothing at home for a long period of time. like sit in front of the t.v. or watch numerous episodes of buffy or sex in the city all in a row. i can't help it. when i actually do work, and a lot of times i do, i get home and i'm tired. but not the sleepy kind of tired. the "i want to do lots of nothing stuff" kind of tired, where you just want to do everything that you've been meaning to do that would seem unimportant to an outside observer.
okay enough of nothing. i haven't called b in two days, after i felt the "nothing." i know i should call him, but i don't know, i just feel weird. i don't even know if i want to go out on friday. or that is with him. i think i just want to go watch Hedwig alone. or take missa and tine. i know they would like it. i feel like i used him. why do i do that?
i've done it before. i'd have sex repeatedly with the same guywhen i would know that there wasn't any emotional attachment. or i'd allow us to go that far before i create any, knowing that it might effect how i feel about them afterwards. i want a serious relationship. but when i'm faced with the opportunity, do i get scared and run away?
i think i create these situations as some sort of defense mechanism to keep me from getting hurt. like, if i hurt them first, then they can't hurt me. but in reality, i'm the one hurting myself. if i can't physically hurt myself anymore, than i might as well attack myself emotionally, using other people to do it. when will the self-abuse stop? maybe, by recognizing it right now, this moment, i'm one step closer to fixing the issue.
maybe all of my bitching about not finding someone, or not finding love, that i've been doing is finally being proven to be unnecessary. not that it ever was to begin with. but i'm starting to see that it has nothing to do with men being available and out there. because they are, right out there in front of me. and i know how to meet guys, especially in my current living situation. so i have no reason to bitch. because that's not even the issue. the issue is whether or not i can hold my own when it comes down to it. and honestly. i don't think so. i don't think i'm ready for that yet.
wow. i use guys. for sex. how did i get like this? why did i let myself become that? especially when i know i want so much more.
i really like my new template. ::pats me-self on the back::
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