ultimate goals
| <<-- : 05.22.03 : -->> |
4:42 p.m.it feels like the more i change, the less i reminisce about the past.
it seems like i wasted eight months of wishing things were the way they were. instead, i could've been working towards making what could be even better.
i didn't waste all my time. and life hasn't been all bad. in fact, i've had some great times and have met some of the greatest people within these past eight months that i've been home.
lately, i've found myself thinking a lot less of drummer boy, joe, or even m at all. in fact, they haven't crossed my mind in quite sometime. today, joy mentioned something about m, and about how he's doing. and it was then i realized that he's been absent from my mind for some time. and i got an email regarding drummer boy's band, which prompted me to take a trip down memory lane and check out there website, which i haven't done in awhile.
and joe. well, he's disappeared again. maybe one day he'll call. maybe, when he does, i'll be long gone.
anyway. i don't wish to go back to that time anymore. that time where i had "something" with each of them. something that i thought was special enough to hold in my heart. but that turned into it's own obsession and consumed me, keeping me from making goals for myself.
no wonder why i don't know what the hell i want anymore! i've spent all this time with the ultimate goal of being with someone. doing things for my life so that i can be with this one person, whoever that might have been at the time. making that the ultimate goal, with everything else as lesser goals underneath.
not good.
not right.
sure, i want to date. but that's not my ultimate goal. my ultimate goal is to establish a life where i'm comfortable and happy and where i'm always learning and growing and evolving.
and that is not about pleasing someone else.
but, when i do date, i'd like to please the other person. but, i can't please this person if we're not even together. so, why the hell do i think of that now?
i'd like to figure out what i want. i'd like to know what i really want out of life. because, honestly, i don't really know. and i don't think i ever did.
i'm constantly searching for that time where i was most happiest, and i knew what i wanted. i knew where i wanted to go. but, as i go back, i find things that i no longer want. or things that aren't relative to where i'm at today. useless ideals. outdated goals. i'm passed that now.
anyway. gotta go home. (i no longer have my car, and my ride wants to leave.) i'll have to continue this thought later.
| <<-- : : -->> | top
cyclists - 04.06.07
reader update - 04.04.07
read me - 03.29.07
easter sunday - 03.26.07
shutdown day - 03.23.07